I Might Be Back

I might blog again soon. We'll see...

On My Mind

I was about to go to sleep and something came to mind to blog about. It was one of these thoughts below. I can't really remember which thought I started with.

I thought I would be blogging more as of late. But the truth is, when I read a lot and talk a lot, I don't really want to write a lot. I think that could make a really strong case for how much I should or shouldn't talk, but part of my defense is that I'm trying to spend my words face to face instead of in gchats or emails or perhaps here where I would type things I wouldn't even say.

I know people have written about the effects email has on relationships in the ways we handle confrontation. The thought I had on Sunday night, which I was thinking about again tonight as I was about to go to sleep is how I am not that good at saying I'm sorry. That is a problem. I tend to avoid confrontation if I'm going to be wrong or have to say I'm sorry. Oops.

A final paper was turned in yesterday for my second grad school class. This one was integrating themes from our class Character, Community and Leadership. So I've spent the last few months looking as honestly as I can at those concepts in my life. In my paper I covered themes such as being and doing, belovedness, discipline, communion, and brokenness. Through it I've come to realize how NOT okay I am with my brokenness most of the time. Having trouble saying I'm sorry also means having trouble admitting I'm wrong which seems like something to ask the Lord to help with.

I emailed an apology to my roommate yesterday. Lame. What's going to happen when I'm in a relationship? Crap. Maybe the next person I date will think of my awkwardness with confrontation endearing? Doubtful, but then again, maybe I'll revert back to high school/early college when I thought confrontation was fun. That's probably not so endearing, but there was a time when arguing with one of my best friends in high school was recreation. He disagreed with me on so many fundamental things but we respected each other so much that it was actually really fun to hash out life issues. I think it was fun because somehow I never got my feelings hurt. He's an attorney now. I hope he can still argue without hurting people's feelings. That would be amazing.

But, somewhere I lost some of that ability to state my mind. I think it was when I heard that boys said I was intimidating. Yep, that had to be it. Bummer. I wasn't trying to be, I just hand thoughts about stuff and kept beating them in Student Council elections. (My slogan "Positively Powell" won me 5 elections. Oh the glory days of never needing a hall pass...)

By the way, I'm not equating leadership to confrontation or ability to argue...don't be confused)

I recently have had some clarity about women with leadership gifts thanks to some ideas the Lord was forming in me already, a professor, my mentor and a book by Nancy Beach. The most clarity was in the Nancy Beach book when she said that God putting leadership gifts in a little baby girl was not a mistake. He did not mix up the gift giving that day and accidentally put something in a little girl that was meant for a boy.

I know, that could sound like silliness to some, but to a girl with leadership gifts who has grown up in the church, just hearing someone say that can bring you to tears. It did. It does and it just might again.

I've gotten off track with my first thought of how important it is for me to be able to say I'm sorry...quickly and in person. This is part of the brokenness with which we all need to get comfortable. But it strikes me with profundity (I just felt like Erin there for a second) that we can't really get comfortable in our own brokenness without community. I think that our relationship with the Lord and our brokenness is one thing, but our relationship with community and brokenness is a big deal. A really big deal. A deal that hurts and frees and calls a spade a spade and realized we're all spades. If the other side of brokenness is healing then by holding back brokenness from each other, are we holding back healing? Wow, I've never thought of it like that! Could it be that we actually hold back huge amounts of the glory of God for the world to see by not being comfortable with our brokenness?

I think I can got sleep now.

Dude

My roommate didn't realize she says "dude" a lot. The past 3 days she's said this multiple times: "I really didn't realize I say dude that much. I say dude all the time!"

We all have idiosyncrasies and mannerisms or perhaps habits that we simply don't realize because they are so a part of us. My dad for example, has been whistling How Great Thou Art everywhere he goes for at least the past 20 years. More than once in my childhood I located him in a Sam's Club by following the hymn. Endearing? Yes, of course. Habit? Absolutely since he's unaware he is serenading all within ear shot.

But beyond "dude" and whistling there is something that wonders how I'm perceived at a deeper level. Are there things people are noticing about me that causes them to turn away or be cautious or hold back? Are there things people see in me that beckon them to something perhaps unknown or unrealized by words but of the soul?

Questions like this must be informed by, as Herni Nouwen would put it, our chosenness and brokenness. Because only in knowing my chosenness in the midst of my brokenness can I truly hear the Lord tell me I am beloved and one on whom his favor rests. Hearing my belovedness in my chosenness and brokenness then allows me to hear the Lord's perception of me first and filter how I am perceived by others through that. Only here can it be useful information and not provoke envy, jealously or insecurity that we all fight, some more than others.

In leadership community recently, Jim Gum talked about how one important aspect of emotional intelligence is being aware of how we are perceived. This requires a valid, trusted source for feedback on how others are understanding how your words, actions and body language.

Often spouses are the default for this, but in my case, there is no spouse yet. So I must enlist close friends to talk to me about how I am perceived. This means we have to have friends that are willing to tell the truth. This means I need to be prepared to be a friend who is willing to tell the truth. This also means I must be ready to hear the truth.

Truth telling is a peculiar thing as it can often have a wide, wide variety of effects, but regardless...it still must be told.

I have a feeling as Christianity changes and as we navigate life in community that we will need the whole of truth telling more than ever. And in case it was every going to be a question...this should be loving, and prayerful and because we are for that person. We should also ask ourselves about our own agendas in the process.

It reminds me how in Proverbs it says "an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."

Well, maybe hard to understand just how great the truth can be if you haven't been kissed in awhile, but in my case, I'll rely on my long-term memory to confirm the wisdom of the Proverbs ;)

I Don't Like to Mime

I recently returned from Fuller Theological Seminary where I was taking 2 intensive classes for my master's degree. One of the seminars was Biblical Foundations of Mission. In this class, Dr. Robert Gallagher made us mime. Yes, mime. I once made the ultimatum to a youth minister as one of his volunteers that I would quit if I ever have to do a skit again. This was after I ended up in a bunny costume for a Christmas skit with instructions to "wing it". In most situations I will also find my way out of playing charades or Pictionary, but in a class at seminary having to go to the bathroom and not coming back just doesn't work. So, I got over it and my small group of 4 acted out Luke 7:36-50 where Jesus is anointed by a woman with the alabaster jar of perfume.

As it turns out, our professor knew exactly what he was doing (there was no doubt), and I saw something I'm not sure I would have otherwise. In this passage, there is a woman who has just burst into the Pharisee's house(Simon) while he is entertaining Jesus and is weeping at his feet while pouring perfume out. I'll be honest, I would have expected Jesus to address the woman quickly to alleviate the awkward tension. But instead, Jesus reads Simon's thoughts, tells him a story, and teaches him about forgiveness. Then he addresses the woman.

This struck me when we were acting it out because Simon (me) was listening to Jesus (Sean) but right there beside us was this woman (Andrea) weeping at Jesus feet. It was actually distracting and even in the acting, felt awkward that this woman was still weeping in flagrant expression right there next to me.

It occurred to me in that moment that Jesus is relentless in pursing our character. If this isn't a good example from Jesus of a "teachable moment", I don't know what is. Jesus first priority in this situation was the character of the Pharisee who wasn't accepting of this marginalized woman. It is almost as if he knew he was most definitely going to bless her, forgive her, and validate her expression, but would not miss the opportunity to help Simon see and learn forgiveness in that moment.

It seems to me that Jesus could have quite easily taken care of the woman, cleaned up the mess, and later circled back to Simon to "debrief" about the situation and tell him the story in the passage about the forgiven debt. But he doesn't. Jesus leaves the messy, awkward situation just as it is, in full form and reaches in to grab the core of Simon's heart.

I have mixed emotions about this. Part of me feels very loved by it that Jesus relentlessly pursues our character. But on the other hand, I'm not a huge fan of awkward tension which seems to me to be the best description of that room.

In the end, I am reminded of how much what is inside of us is all that matters. In this season of learning how to BE with God and this season of discipline, I feel very much like the Pharisee who Jesus isn't going to let get away with cheap, shallow rooted character for the sake of everything going smoothly for the guests.

I can't help but imagine ways my life would be different if I leaned into those times when I feel the Holy Spirit reaching into my core to expose me for who I really am.

Messy, awkward, tension, undone, known, pure, honest, trustworthy, pursued, chosen are the words that come to mind when I think about God shaping my character.

Church, 20 somethings, leaders....this matters to us. Lean in (and mime if you have to).

Yes!

I was in Chicago this weekend and we went to church with our friend who gave up his bed 2 nights for us. It was on this trip I felt a small victory in my journey with the Lord. A resounding YES! in my heart. You see, I've reacted negatively towards various church styles in the past, maybe as early as 8th grade. I don't think it's always bad to react nor do I feel all my reactions were immature or judgmental. Some were. But that's neither here nor there... just finding my way.

The last community I was a part of caused me to engage with truths and styles of meeting with the Lord which were more formal than I'd known previously. I credit these beautiful people for teaching me the Apostles Creed , for giving communion its proper place and helping me to draw deeply and lovingly from liturgy. I never expected to want to pick up a copy of The Book of Common Prayers at the next used bookstore I see.

It actually wasn't until Friday night talking with friends in Chicago that I realized some of the beauty and weight the Anglican style carries in my heart. Then Sunday, I was given a gift. It had a lot of the same elements of the Anglican church complete with traditional hymns. Everything about the style has in the past been the basis of some sort of tension or reaction in me which had its right and wrong place. But as I sat/stood there during the hymns, the prayers of the people, confession time and communion I had absolutely NO tension. If anything, a longing for it overtook me. This was a victory people. I feel like I was healed of something. Maybe judgment, maybe cynicism, maybe poor vision, maybe something for which I should not try to minimize by finding the perfect words. Or maybe I just grew up a bit. Regardless, it felt really beautiful to not analyze how someone does church as more "Right" or more "Wrong" (thanks David for that wording) but as another profound way that God would choose to love us. Sounds elementary as i write it, but I think people involved in church do this much more than we'd care to admit. At least I've seen you do it as much as me :)

I've been thinking more lately about how God makes all things new. Maybe all the different ways to express the truth of God in a community setting are a loving expression of a God who regenerates, creates and makes all things new.

Or maybe all the different versions of church are mutations of the really simple way of Jesus. Ha! Maybe...but that's a totally different post. In the end, I still can't get over the fact that God gives us the ability to meet him for real, legitimately, purely without mistake and without mutation in so many ways.